Sunday, 16 March 2014

Review: Nothing - Guilty of Everything

I'm just going to get this out of the way, this is technically a blackgaze album. Think of something like deafheaven, but not. If you're turned away by that thought already, shut your mouth and read this thing anyways!

EDIT: Well, never fucking mind, they don't even identify as black metal. Damn you Metal Injection!

Part of me looks at this and thinks, "Relapse Records are just trying to find the next deafheaven, aren't they? Trying to cash in on a fad? Remember what happened last time you did that? You unleashed the waves of copycat shit known as metalcore, deathcore and nu-metal!" I have nothing wrong with any of those subgenres as they have their interesting bands, hell, metalcore is what got me into metal in the first place, but enough is enough guys! Let someone be unique for once, please!

They could change their logo to this!
What do I mean when I say that the music is grunge and shoegaze? Let me get my monocle and scotch so I can be a pompous music critic about this. Nehehe, right, let us begin this oh-so-esteemed deconstruction. FUCK IT, never writing like that again. I call it grunge because of the super saturated and fuzzy guitar tone and whiny lyrics. If anyone from Nothing is reading this, I'm sorry, your lyrics are whiny. I mean, I'm pretty sure I heard you guys sing about "infinite sadness". We get that you're angsty and being a "tortured soul" will get you all the pussy (read: become a crazy cat person) but it doesn't make for very interesting music. There are exceptions, very bizarre exceptions like Deathcab for Cutie but try not to base your emotional parts off of wanting to pig out on a tub of ice cream while burning pictures of your ex.

While on the subject of singing, try doing something than whispering into your goddamn mic! Because when it's all you do, you're boring!

As for the shoegaze bit, I can't even really call it that either! Because it's not even fucking shoegaze! Nothing (no pun intended) flows together in the way something like Mogwai or deafheaven (okay, last deafheaven reference), there's no wall-of-sound effect, which is what defines shoegaze. You can't even sink into a goddamn chair listening to this because fuck-all fits together properly! Imagine that you're about to have sex with this gorgeous woman. You get her pants off and instead of a vagina, you find a penis. That's what this album is like. Unfulfilled promises and blue balls!

I don't even want to go over the rest of this thing, but because I'm just that nice of a guy (and masochist apparently), here's a quick list. The drummer is ass and boring, the guitar is 3 chords and boring, the bass is mixed out and therefore boring. If I were a magazine I'd give this Zzz/10 and a big stamp o' boredom! Just know, this isn't offensively bad like St. Anger, it's utterly forgettable.

I'm just happy I didn't pay money for this thing! If you're interested, check them out on Bandcamp but I don't know why you'd want to. I've already forgetten about this thing. Wait, what was I talking about? Pancakes for dinner? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Pancakes for dinner! Woo hoo!

1 comment:

  1. oh ma fucking gee i love you

    yup i still do since 9th fucking grade

    omg so much love i would fucking suffocate you.